I haven’t written in a long time. I just couldn’t find the words to even type them. I also didn’t want to speak prematurely when I’m still unsure of the situation. I’m ready to talk about it now even though I am so, so stressed out. All day, my face has been jumping/ticking. It is driving me insane. I’m sure it’s related to stress, but I wish it would stop.
Exactly a week ago, I had a meeting with my boss at 8am. I thought it was just a run-of-the-mill one on one, while she was in the office. She works in another office, but makes visits at least once every couple of months. Anyway, it started out like any other meeting. We discussed projects I’m working on and new training for work I’m taking on in another area. Then, she hit me. She hit me hard. She told me someone had reported me to the integrity office claiming that I am a time thief. Stating that I go to the gym for extended lunches and am not working my entire work day. You can imagine my shock. I almost cried right on the spot. She said they were investigating me. She wouldn’t know anything until they were done. She also couldn’t tell me if I’d potentially be fired.
Let me clarify a few things first. I am not a time thief. If I go over my time at the gym, I work that extra time at the end of the day. I’ve only ever ran over maybe 15 minutes at the most. Not a big deal. I’d just get on the 405pm bus instead of the 3:45pm bus. The issue was when I logged my time. I just put in a generic start and finish time, then worked my hours. I wasn’t putting it down to the minute, which I didn’t think was necessary. When these accusations were made against me, there were discrepancies in my badge scans versus the time logged. We don’t scan when we leave the building though, therefore they couldn’t determine that yes, I was still here well after the end time I logged working all of my hours.
It has been a week and I’ve heard nothing yet. On Friday, my boss told me that she wasn’t certain that I wouldn’t be fired, but that I needed to focus on what was important and that is the client. Today, I was told she hasn’t heard anything yet. Luckily, I am so busy at work that it’s hard to really dwell. That first day, I cried all day at my desk. I disguised myself as much as I could, but I was so upset. It has been extremely stressful. My income is the only source of income that we have. If I lose my job, we lose it all. I’ve been submitting my resume all over, but have not heard a peep. I thought if I could at least get an interview to keep ahead then I’d feel better. That plan is not going so well. The issue is I can’t just work anyway and make any amount of money. If I can’t afford daycare to go to work, then it isn’t worth it. We barely scrape by now. If I was forced to take a job well under, then we’d be screwed. Unless I’m being paid well under the guideline to qualify for welfare. That way, I could get the child care subsidy, CHIP, and food stamps. That would probably be enough to even out the loss of income. It’s sickening to think about this. You guys have no idea. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I am unraveling every single day that progresses.
Let’s not forget how disturbing and sickening it is that someone would even do this to me. It was the girl who was abusing work from home. She is so vindictive. If you’re going to complain about someone, you don’t go to the integrity office. You go to the manager to handle on their own accord. Taking it to HR is personal. That’s basically the next thing in line after killing someone. “Oh, I can’t shoot you like I want to, so here, let me just see if I can get you fired” I am so sick over it. I could never do that to someone. EVER. She is a mother. Yes, she has a working husband to help, but it doesn’t matter. She still has a child she provide for. To try to rip that away from me is SICK. I don’t care if you’re my worst enemy. I would never mess with someone’s livelihood. PERIOD.
She abuses the system more than anyone I know. It is ridiculous. Of course, I’m not going to make a counter complaint against her. That would make me look quite petty when I still have this open investigation under my belt. Two wrongs don’t make a right either. I just wonder if it ends here. Will she always have some issue with me that she’s trying to report me for something. I honestly mind my business. I come in, work, then I leave. I hate working in an environment that is so petty. I don’t understand why everyone can’t just chill out. To take it to that level is really crazy to me. I love this job. This is my life. You guys have no idea. I have worked here for 9 years. This place is who I am. On top of that, I need this job. I cannot pay all of our bills without this place. This place keeps our lives afloat. I cannot lose this. I don’t know what I’d do. I really don’t.
Another thing that bothers me is I’m sick of people telling me that I am making a big deal out of nothing. Someone really asked me “Well what positives can come from this?”
“You’ll get to spend more time with Emerson”
You have got to be kidding me, right?! In what? Our cardboard box down by the river?? Unfortunately, life is not free. I have to have an income to provide. Being home and experiencing every second of his life would be amazing, however it is not realistic. I like working too and have no issues with that. He has grown and learned a lot from daycare. I like the way our life is and I want it to remain, or at least get better. I am so sick of being told that it isn’t that big of a deal. It’s a huge deal and for me to have to defend that makes me even more sick. The thing is, I am not looking for advice, or for someone to solve this for me. How about just a little support and a pick me up? I hate feeling this way. On top of the stress over the situation, the way I feel is just agonizing. I’m so used to feeling upbeat and cheery. I just want this to pass. I want everything to be okay, and I want to get back to focusing on regular life again. Enjoying the holidays, and just carrying on without being on the brink of a breakdown.
I have not been to the gym all week. I’ve honestly been too busy. I’ve been logging my time TO THE MINUTE too. I don’t think people should be fired right off the bat like that either unless it’s something super crazy/serious. People should be given the chance to correct and to align what is asked across the organization. I’m hoping that is the case. Please say a super prayer, guys. I need it so much right now.
Thanks for always listening. <3
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