I don’t have much time at all because I’m SO busy at work, but I wanted to update you guys really quickly. I haven’t written in FOREVER. I was staying away until I heard about my job. Remember? I was in hot water over someone in my department complaining that I wasn’t working my full day. Thank GOD it was finally unfounded. Six long weeks of complete agony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, I don’t even know how to pick myself back up from how low I was. It is sickening to me. I have not enjoyed life, or even been very present in life since November 11th. Insane! Thanksgiving was ruined, and so was Christmas. I am desperately trying to find my Christmas spirit, but it’s so damn hard. I don’t even know, guys. I just do not feel like myself at all. What I have been going through is sickening. Not knowing if I’m getting fired, putting my resume out to everyone in the world, and especially feeling so betrayed from my team. That’s what I’m having the worst time with right now. I absolutely hate everyone. I am not a very hateful person either. I’m always able to move past things fairly quickly. Not this. You cannot screw with someone’s livelihood. Especially not a single mother. I don’t think I will ever be able to move past this. The absolutely terror and dread that I’ve been living the last six weeks has consumed me. I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I had to be interrogated seven ways to Sunday on numerous occasions. It has taken such a toll on my emotional health.
Some days, I don’t even know how I carried on with my normal routine. I have just been going through the motions of life. Taking care of Em, coming into work, and just having this cloud looming over my head. I’ve been so absent that I never even read the memo that Emerson’s Christmas party at daycare was last Friday. He was the only kid not wearing Christmas jammies, and we didn’t send in a treat. I missed our snack day. I didn’t even send an entry for him to be in the holiday art contest. I got a card in the mail announcing the winners yesterday. I don’t even remember reading that submissions were being accepted. I am just so out of touch with everything. It’s sad as hell. I miss myself so badly. I can’t even tell you. I miss who I was. I haven’t worked out in over a week. My eating habits have fallen to crap over the last month too. I just couldn’t focus on anything, but this impending doom.
The worst is still not feeling completely comfortable. I know that someone is out to get me in this department. I am very mindful to not give anyone reasons, but I feel like isolating myself makes them hate me more. I really don’t care. I come here to do my job, get paid, and to leave. I don’t need to be friends with anyone, but they are more into the friendships before work. That isn’t how this works though. You come here to do your job. That’s the priority. Sitting here watching these people come and go as they please and lolly gag all day makes me sick. I am not vindictive enough to make a complaint either. Every dog has their day. Theirs will come soon enough.
There is so much more going on. I’d need a week to sit down to type it all out, but within all of the darkness, there have been slivers of light. My sister left her fiancé about 3.5 weeks ago. She left for good this time. She moved in with my parents, but she already has a new house to move into in February. I’m so happy for her. She deserves this. She is such a tough person. It isn’t easy to get up and leave like that. I’m glad she isn’t accepting abuse anymore. She is so much happier too. I just want to be happy with her! I am not used to being this miserable. I’m TRYING so hard. I’ve missed blogging, working out, and smiling. I just want to be myself again. Any encouraging words would be so appreciated right now.
Emerson is in such a bad phase too. He is so hard to handle. Most days, I feel like just one big failure. I don’t know if it’s all attributed to my entire work situation, or what. I hope that’s the case. I usually am so much more patient than I have been lately. I don’t know if he’s just more unruly, or if it’s me. Is he playing off of my behavior? The only way to really know is to change my mood and demeanor back to what it was. Some days, it’s just easier to not leave the house. He is just that out of control. I tried to take him to see Santa a few times. It ended in disaster. We went to church for breakfast with Santa. He snapped out. He was throwing bibles on the floor. When I removed him from the situation, he FREAKED. It was so embarrassing. We ended up just leaving. I know it’s probably just a typical behavior of a soon-to-be 2 year old, but it’s like this all of the time. I need to just stick with some good discipline and reward great behavior more. Maybe over time that will change. Maybe he is just bad. I don’t know, but I hope it’s a phase that goes by quickly. I miss my sweet boy. My family can barely handle him at all. They had to babysit for me yesterday because I had to work late. By the time I got there, my parents were so disheveled. He was that out of control for them. That has definitely been stressing me out lately too, though I’m sure this is typical. I just am ready for some better behavior.
There is something else going on that I can’t even talk about until it’s done and over with. It’s a legal issue. No, it has nothing to do with custody/support, etc. It is something entirely different. I am desperately trying to not be stressed out over this. It’s EXTREMELY hard, but I just want to get through this, and to start breathing again. I know God only gives us what he knows we can handle. I don’t want anything else dumped on me. I’ve got enough right now. I hope you all have such a great holiday and you have a wonderful time with your families. Say some extra prayers for mine. I’ll return the favor.
<3
Ashley
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