This is going to be extremely out of the ordinary for me and something I am not even comfortable to admit yet, but here I am. I think I’m ready to date again. There, I said it. I put it out in the universe. As quickly as I said it, I want to take it back because I’m absolutely petrified. It scares me so much to even expose myself to those situations again. I still have a young toddler at home, so it won’t be the easiest thing to do, but I do feel like I’m starting to get the desire back to share life with someone else. I feel selfish and greedy admitting that though. Emerson is my entire world. I’ve taken on so much with Beachbody. I utilize my time appropriately though, so that I’m not taking any from him. How could I ever fit dating in? I don’t even mean traditional dating where I’d need to get a sitter to leave my home. I mean starting out slowly, and getting to know someone first. Then, maybe hanging out at my house after Emerson is in bed to start. Potentially venturing out on a real date once every two weeks. It doesn’t seem unrealistic, but it also seems way too easy, which means it probably isn’t that realistic.
I don’t mean to be so pessimistic either. I guess I am just worried about judgements from other people too. I know my family will make comments to me like “Emerson better come first”. Those things piss me off. Obviously, he is always first. I would never put anyone, or anything above him. I just feel like if I had my sister babysit once every couple of weeks, so I could spend time with another person, my mother would frown down on it. I know I shouldn’t care what she thinks, but I just know how she is. Her and my dad left us with a babysitter every single Wednesday night, so they could go bowling. I don’t see what the difference would be if I had a sitter every couple of weeks to spend time with someone else outside of my home. I am a human being too. Yes, I am a mother first, but I also deserve to find happiness, and to potentially build a family with another person. I don’t know why I feel the need to justify this. Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean that I have to be alone for the rest of my life.
I think the biggest thing that bothers me is even having this desire to want to date. I have suppressed those feelings for nearly two years. It’s scary that it all of a sudden came out of nowhere. I don’t feel entirely ready for that feeling either. I don’t know if it’s because I feel better about myself and more confident, or what? I half think that’s a major contributing factor. Before I started to take care of myself through BeachBody, I was exhausted and didn’t feel really great about myself. Now, I do have a newfound confidence and a love for myself. I think I’m ready to share that with another person. I don’t think you can love anyone else until you fully love yourself. I’m at that point now, which is scary, but exciting.
I think the biggest thing I’m afraid of is having issues with someone. Not choosing wisely and falling into old habits like I did in the past. I’ve grown so much. I wish I had the wisdom now that I lacked back then. All of those roads led to Emerson though, so I can’t really regret anything. I’m just afraid that a bad experience could rock my world. I have my sh*t together, and the last thing I want is for someone to change that. I’ve never felt more level headed either. My life and priorities are intact. You girls all know where I am coming from too. You know how one bad relationship can throw everything off course. I don’t want to end up crying and miserable every day because someone is mistreating me. Emerson plays a big factor in anyone that I decided to share my time with. He’d be affected too.
I also don’ t know where to start either. I want to be really honest with you guys. I’ve always been THAT girl, never THE girl. Someone that you want to have fun with and take home for the night. Never the girl that you want to take home to mom. It’s my own fault because I let the fun, wild side take over the sweet, caring person that was on the inside. No one took me seriously, or looked at me like they could build a future with me. I know where I’ve gone wrong and what to avoid, but I don’t know if my reputation precedes me still. Recently, a few people have still tried to stick me in that role. I’m not that girl anymore. I want a family for myself, and Emerson. To me, it isn’t fun and games anymore. I really am looking for more than that. I hope that people can truly get a sense of who I am now versus who I was back then.
Am I crazy, guys? Tell me the truth too. You all have been with me since I found myself pregnant and alone. It was so scary, but for some reason, this seems scarier!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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