I wrote this yesterday

Christmas was great! Emerson still didn’t understand the concept of it, but that’s okay. He’s still young. Next year he will probably grasp it. He seemed pretty overwhelmed at the amount of gifts. Once he opened a gift, he was ready to play, yet we had more for him to go through. Once all of the toys were out, he seemed extra confused over what to play with. It was pretty funny to watch. He loves everything, especially the kitchen, which I’m glad. That thing took me 1.5 hours to build! I definitely bought way too much play food to stock it with. I’m going to go through and take out all of the duplicates. I’m sick of cleaning up 115 pieces multiple times  a day.  We ended up going to my parent’s house in two parts: Once in the morning before nap, then in the afternoon after nap. It worked out better that way. I had a really good time. My parents spoiled all of us as usual. I really appreciated it too. I feel extremely fortunate. It felt good to be spoiled. It’s not something that I’m used to at all. Sometimes you just need that. We didn’t do much during Christmas break outside of enjoying Em’s new toys. We did play outside considering the weather is unseasonably warm. I can’t believe Christmas is over though. I wish I had gotten to enjoy it a bit more.

I had a wisdom tooth pulled on Monday. To be honest, it wasn’t too bad at all. The sound of my tooth cracking almost made me vomit though. I was so geared up for this big bout of pain, but it never happened. I was numb during the procedure, but even afterwards, I was fine. A couple of motrin every few hours was enough to get me by. Now, 2 days post, I am fine. I haven’t even taken anything since yesterday afternoon. I was just doing it to get ahead of any pain that might occur. I can’t open my mouth all of the way, but I’m sure that’ll subside over the next few days. Next Thursday, the dentist  wants to take my last two. I made the appointment, but I am canceling. I just need a break. They aren’t bothering me, so I’m going to keep them a bit longer. I don’t feel like putting myself through anymore voluntary torture. I just want to eat and feel normal for a little while. I’ll schedule a regular cleaning/exam in February. We can reassess then and I can make the decision at that point to pick a date to have them extracted. It’ll be nice to just go to the dentist for a check-up outside of needing something. I need to make Emerson an appointment. It’ll be his first official dentist appointment. He’s had fluoride treatments and check-ups through the department of health at daycare, but he’s never had one at the dentist yet. I just added him to my insurance for 2016 though. I hope he does good for the dentist. I don’t know that he will. It’s not like I can give him a lollipop like I do when he gets a haircut. If he’s anything like he is when I brush his teeth, our dentist is is BIG trouble. I don’t even know if my dentist sees kids that little. I would assume he does. There was a little girl around 5 years old in the waiting room when I was there on  Monday. I just don’t know what would be better. Taking him to my dentist, or finding a pediatric one. I guess I’ll ask a couple of friends and float it past my dentist when I call to make the appointment. Pittsburgh friends-suggestions are welcome J

My diet has been so bad, guys. I have definitely packed on a few pounds and loss some major muscle mass. I haven’t worked out in about 1.5 weeks. My eating has been crap for about 3 weeks. I’m sure some of you are rolling your eyes thinking what damage can be done in that small amount of time. TRUST ME…A LOT. My size 2 skinny jeans are so freaking tight. I can’t even wear them. Anything around my waist feels so uncomfortable, even leggings. I hate it. The scale hasn’t really moved, but I’m sure it just evened out from the muscle I lost/fat gained. It sucks so bad. I have been feeling so sluggish too. I miss having energy. Last night, I meal prepped. I’m low-carbing it for the next couple of weeks (or until I can’t take it anymore) as a quick start to lose some of this holiday gain. I wish I hadn’t fallen off track, but I was busy with the holiday, then very down about my job. Now that both are out of the way, I am ready.  I’m still allowing oatmeal/banana for breakfast. I need those carbs to start the day. I’m not cutting carbs completely, but I am staying away from pasta, rice, white bread, and anything processed.

Today’s Menu:

Oatmeal/banana

Chicken tortilla soup (homemade by me. Lots of veggies, black beans, chicken, and topped with 3 blue corn tortilla chips)

Ham, Cheese, and Olive skewers

Pineapple

Turkey Burger (no bun), Mashed Cauliflower, Carrots

Banana/Peanut Butter ice cream (homemade. Just frozen banan/peanut butter mixed together in my magic bullet)

See. Very low carb. I’m sure I’ll get back down to where I was in no time judging by the way I was eating versus this cleaned up diet. I’m also doing an upper workout tonight, which I’m very excited about.

There is so much more I want to type. Gah! I am just afraid to talk about these things…It is MY blog. I should be able to be FREE, but I am so odd with certain topics. I’ll try to give some detail, while being extremely general. I have this horrible fear that someone will find my blog and I’ll look like a complete idiot.

I have been “dating” someone for a little while. I’m not even sure how long. Not that long. A couple of months, if that. I don’t even know if I’d use the word dating either. That seems too serious, but I’m not sure what comes before dating. Pre-dating? Scoping someone out to see if you’d want to just date them? I think that’s where we are. It’s not an exclusive situation. Freedom can be had. It is being had at least on my part, but I am ready to let that go if that makes sense. I’m not saying relationship status either. I’m saying where you are dating just that person and they’re only dating you. I don’t get that vibe yet on his part and I think it’s probably too soon to bring up. I don’t have a lot of free time, so even though we’ve been seeing each other for over a month and we talk all of the time, we’ve only spent time together on three occasions. Pre-baby, I would have thought this wasn’t enough time to make that determination. Post-baby, I do. Knowing how much you invest talking to someone to bridge the gap when you aren’t seeing each other holds  A LOT of weight to me. I feel like that’s when you learn the most about someone. So, I don’t really know. I guess I’ll keep you guys updated if there is anything more to tell. It isn’t just me that I need to consider either. It’s Emerson too. That’s the scary part. Alright, enough about that.

Alright, I have to get back to work. Break is over.

Have a Happy New Year!

Ashley

Looking up

So, I wanted to write a nicer blog since yesterday was definitely geared on the downer side. Last night, I built Emerson’s play kitchen that I bought him for Christmas. The weather is ridiculously warm, so it’s hanging out on the back porch until I wrap it up tomorrow night. It is adorable! It took me so long to build it. I definitely ran into some problems, but the finished product did not disappoint. I bought a 115 piece set of play food too, which is absolutely adorable! I’m going to stock the kitchen, then set up his shopping cart and shopping basket with what doesn’t fit. It’s pretty cute though. I hope he enjoys it. He loves the play kitchen at daycare, so let’s hope this is a hit. I also have to get up his gas pump that goes with his car. That’s all I got him, but you know what, he has so many toys. He doesn’t need a lot. My parents went overboard anyways, so when we go to their house he will have TONS to open. 

Today, I am done at 11am. I’m going shopping for my last minute items. I’m really excited because I haven’t really had any time to myself to go shopping, or run errands in a long time. This is sort of my Christmas present to myself. It’s the little things, right? Tomorrow night, I’m going to set everything up, eat some sushi, have a glass of wine, and watch a Christmas movie. It sounds pretty Heavenly. I’m really excited to see Emerson open up his gifts on Christmas. I hope he is as excited as I am. I’m picking up items for a fun breakfast from Santa for Christmas morning. I also think I am going to invoke a no t.v. rule for at least some of the morning, so he spends time with me and his new toys. He is so obsessed with television. We only watch Disney, but still. Shutting it off is necessary sometimes. We’re going to my parent’s house on Christmas in two parts. We’re heading over pre-nap to open gifts, then heading back over post-nap for dinner. I think that’ll make everyone’s holiday a little more enjoyable. Less stressful to make Emerson comply to their non-baby proofed home for a span of hours. This way, we can break it into two. The drive isn’t far, so I don’t mind.

Last night, I made Grinch cookies for the daycare. I felt bad about forgetting about the Christmas party, so I sent in cookies with Em and he wore a Christmas shirt. I know we are winding down the days here, but I am trying to make up for some lost time. We are watching my nephew tomorrow, so I was thinking of taking the boys to do something festive. I’m not sure what. I guess I have the day to figure that out. Again, making up for some lost time while I can. I am just ready to put all of the negativity behind me. It was such a great year. It sucks that it started to go downhill at the end. I really didn’t want to end it feeling this way.

Some side bar items. I have been dating. That sounds crazy to even type out. There isn’t much to talk about at this point. When there is, I promise I will update. I have this fear that my blog will be found and I’ll be embarrassed about talking about it. There are a few people that I have had the pleasure of spending some time with. Again, it is nothing serious at this point, but I guess we will see where it leads. I don’t want to jinx anything yet. Alright, guys. I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. Smooches!

Blue Christmas

I don’t have much time at all because I’m SO busy at work, but I wanted to update you guys really quickly. I haven’t written in FOREVER. I was staying away until I heard about my job. Remember? I was in hot water over someone in my department complaining that I wasn’t working my full day. Thank GOD it was finally unfounded. Six long weeks of complete agony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Honestly, I don’t even know how to pick myself back up from how low I was. It is sickening to me. I have not enjoyed life, or even been very present in life since November 11th. Insane! Thanksgiving was ruined, and so was Christmas. I am desperately trying to find my Christmas spirit, but it’s so damn hard. I don’t even know, guys. I just do not feel like myself at all. What I have been going through is sickening. Not knowing if I’m getting fired, putting my resume out to everyone in the world, and especially feeling so betrayed from my team. That’s what I’m having the worst time with right now. I absolutely hate everyone. I am not a very hateful person either. I’m always able to move past things fairly quickly. Not this. You cannot screw with someone’s livelihood. Especially not a single mother. I don’t think I will ever be able to move past this. The absolutely terror and dread that I’ve been living the last six weeks has consumed me. I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I had to be interrogated seven ways to Sunday on numerous occasions. It has taken such a toll on my emotional health.

Some days, I don’t even know how I carried on with my normal routine. I have just been going through the motions of life. Taking care of Em, coming into work, and just having this cloud looming over my head. I’ve been so absent that I never even read the memo that Emerson’s Christmas party at daycare was last Friday. He was the only kid not wearing Christmas jammies, and we didn’t send in a treat. I missed our snack day. I didn’t even send an entry for him to be in the holiday art contest. I got a card in the mail announcing the winners yesterday. I don’t even remember reading that submissions were being accepted. I am just so out of touch with everything. It’s sad as hell. I miss myself so badly. I can’t even tell you. I miss who I was. I haven’t worked out in over a week. My eating habits have fallen to crap over the last month too. I just couldn’t focus on anything, but this impending doom.

The worst is still not feeling completely comfortable. I know that someone is out to get me in this department. I am very mindful to not give anyone reasons, but I feel like isolating myself makes them hate me more. I really don’t care. I come here to do my job, get paid, and to leave. I don’t need to be friends with anyone, but they are more into the friendships before work. That isn’t how this works though. You come here to do your job. That’s the priority. Sitting here watching these people come and go as they please and lolly gag all day makes me sick. I am not vindictive enough to make a complaint either. Every dog has their day. Theirs will come soon enough.

There is so much more going on. I’d need a week to sit down to type it all out, but within all of the darkness, there have been slivers of light. My sister left her fiancé about 3.5 weeks ago. She left for good this time. She moved in with my parents, but she already has a new house to move into in February. I’m so happy for her. She deserves this. She is such a tough person. It isn’t easy to get up and leave like that. I’m glad she isn’t accepting abuse anymore. She is so much happier too. I just want to be happy with her! I am not used to being this miserable. I’m TRYING so hard. I’ve missed blogging, working out, and smiling. I just want to be myself again. Any encouraging words would be so appreciated right now.

Emerson is in such a bad phase too. He is so hard to handle. Most days, I feel like just one big failure. I don’t know if it’s all attributed to my entire work situation, or what. I hope that’s the case. I usually am so much more patient than I have been lately. I don’t know if he’s just more unruly, or if it’s me. Is he playing off of my behavior? The only way to really know is to change my mood and demeanor back to what it was. Some days, it’s just easier to not leave the house. He is just that out of control. I tried to take him to see Santa a few times. It ended in disaster. We went to church for breakfast with Santa. He snapped out. He was throwing bibles on the floor. When I removed him from the situation, he FREAKED. It was so embarrassing. We ended up just leaving. I know it’s probably just a typical behavior of a soon-to-be 2 year old, but it’s like this all of the time. I need to just stick with some good discipline and reward great behavior more. Maybe over time that will change. Maybe he is just bad. I don’t know, but I hope it’s a phase that goes by quickly. I miss my sweet boy.  My family can barely handle him at all. They had to babysit for me yesterday because I had to work late. By the time I got there, my parents were so disheveled. He was that out of control for them. That has definitely been stressing me out lately too, though I’m sure this is typical. I just am ready for some better behavior.

There is something else going on that I can’t even talk about until it’s done and over with. It’s a legal issue. No, it has nothing to do with custody/support, etc. It is something entirely different. I am desperately trying to not be stressed out over this. It’s EXTREMELY hard, but I just want to get through this, and to start breathing again. I know God only gives us what he knows we can handle. I don’t want anything else dumped on me. I’ve got enough right now.  I hope you all have such a great holiday and you have a wonderful time with your families. Say some extra prayers for mine. I’ll return the favor.

<3

Ashley