Still nothing

I have been avoiding updating this thing until I had some news to give you guys. After 10 days, I finally had a meeting with HR. 10 days of pure agony and stress. Guess what? I still get to continue having this agony and stress! On Friday, I met with my boss and HR. They called our session “Fact checking” where they asked me a ton of questions. What I did when I came into work, did I get coffee, take my coat off, do I take the bus, how long is my commute? It was all very odd questions, so I have no idea where they are going with that. After 40 minutes of interrogation, the HR woman had one final question for me. “Why did you ask if you’d be fired? That is a very odd reaction to have?” The way she made me feel was that I was admitting some kind of guilt by asking. I told her I was by no means admitting any guilt, or fault. I am a single mother, therefore I rely on my job. My mind is obviously going to go to the worst case scenario. She said nothing. She didn’t try to put my mind at ease, or anything. She said they’d follow up this week with next steps. It’s all very sickening, guys. I cannot believe it has been almost two weeks of this.

The worst part is the person who told on me is so annoying. She does nothing all day, but stand in other people’s cubes and talk. She goes out for breakfast, lunch, and random errands. I know because she shouts it from the rooftop. We can all hear her because she feels that it’s necessary to announce anytime she does anything. It is so frustrating. I don’t want to start playing this game where I report other people either. I know that’s what a lot of people said I should do, but I just don’t want to start getting into this battle. It isn’t right though that she does NOTHING, but mess around ALL day, then she wants to complain about me. I bust my BLEEP every single day. I do not need this crap. What a way to start the holidays too. I hate this girl so bad, guys. I cannot believe what a jerk she is.

I feel bad only updating about this, but I can’t even let my mind go to anywhere else until I know this is okay. I do hope you guys are all doing well and you have nice Thanksgiving holidays. Despite all of this, I am still chugging along. Smiling, and just enjoying life with Emerson. It isn’t easy at all knowing what’s looming over my head, but I am TRYING. As a result though, I am completely exhausted. More exhausted than normal. Alright, I will hopefully have a better update later in the week.

I'm a wreck

I haven’t written in a long time. I just couldn’t find the words to even type them. I also didn’t want to speak prematurely when I’m still unsure of the situation. I’m ready to talk about it now even though I am so, so stressed out. All day, my face has been jumping/ticking. It is driving me insane. I’m sure it’s related to stress, but I wish it would stop.

Exactly a week ago, I had a meeting with my boss at 8am. I thought it was just a run-of-the-mill one on one, while she was in the office. She works in another office, but makes visits at least once every couple of months. Anyway, it started out like any other meeting. We discussed projects I’m working on and new training for work I’m taking on in another area. Then, she hit me. She hit me hard. She told me someone had reported me to the integrity office claiming that I am a time thief. Stating that I go to the gym for extended lunches and am not working my entire work day. You can imagine my shock. I almost cried right on the spot. She said they were investigating me. She wouldn’t know anything until they were done. She also couldn’t tell me if I’d potentially be fired.

Let me clarify a few things first. I am not a time thief. If I go over my time at the gym, I work that extra time at the end of the day. I’ve only ever ran over maybe 15 minutes at the most. Not a big deal. I’d just get on the 405pm bus instead of the 3:45pm bus. The issue was when I logged my time. I just put in a generic start and finish time, then worked my hours. I wasn’t putting it down to the minute, which I didn’t think was necessary. When these accusations were made against me, there were discrepancies in my badge scans versus the time logged. We don’t scan when we leave the building though, therefore they couldn’t determine that yes, I was still here well after the end time I logged working all of my hours.

It has been a week and I’ve heard nothing yet. On Friday, my boss told me that she wasn’t certain that I wouldn’t be fired, but that I needed to focus on what was important and that is the client. Today, I was told she hasn’t heard anything yet. Luckily, I am so busy at work that it’s hard to really dwell. That first day, I cried all day at my desk. I disguised myself as much as I could, but I was so upset.  It has been extremely stressful. My income is the only source of income that we have. If I lose my job, we lose it all. I’ve been submitting my resume all over, but have not heard a peep. I thought if I could at least get an interview to keep ahead then I’d feel better. That plan is not going so well. The issue is I can’t just work anyway and make any amount of money. If I can’t afford daycare to go to work, then it isn’t worth it. We barely scrape by now. If I was forced to take a job well under, then we’d be screwed. Unless I’m being paid well under the guideline to qualify for welfare. That way, I could get the child care subsidy, CHIP, and food stamps. That would probably be enough to even out the loss of income. It’s sickening to think about this. You guys have no idea. I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I am unraveling every single day that progresses.

Let’s not forget how disturbing and sickening it is that someone would even do this to me. It was the girl who was abusing work from home. She is so vindictive. If you’re going to complain about someone, you don’t go to the integrity office. You go to the manager to handle on their own accord. Taking it to HR is personal. That’s basically the next thing in line after killing someone. “Oh, I can’t shoot you like I want to, so here, let me just see if I can get you fired” I am so sick over it. I could never do that to someone. EVER. She is a mother. Yes, she has a working husband to help, but it doesn’t matter. She still has a child she provide for. To try to rip that away from me is SICK. I don’t care if you’re my worst enemy. I would never mess with someone’s livelihood. PERIOD.

She abuses the system more than anyone I know. It is ridiculous. Of course, I’m not going to make a counter complaint against her. That would make me look quite petty when I still have this open investigation under my belt. Two wrongs don’t make a right either. I just wonder if it ends here. Will she always have some issue with me that she’s trying to report me for something. I honestly mind my business. I come in, work, then I leave.  I hate working in an environment that is so petty. I don’t understand why everyone can’t just chill out. To take it to that level is really crazy to me. I love this job. This is my life. You guys have no idea. I have worked here for 9 years. This place is who I am. On top of that, I need this job. I cannot pay all of our bills without this place. This place keeps our lives afloat. I cannot lose this. I don’t know what I’d do. I really don’t.

Another thing that bothers me is I’m sick of people telling me that I am making a big deal out of nothing. Someone really asked me “Well what positives can come from this?”

“You’ll get to spend more time with Emerson”

You have got to be kidding me, right?! In what? Our cardboard box down by the river?? Unfortunately, life is not free. I have to have an income to provide. Being home and experiencing every second of his life would be amazing, however it is not realistic. I like working too and have no issues with that. He has grown and learned a lot from daycare. I like the way our life is and I want it to remain, or at least get better. I am so sick of being told that it isn’t that big of a deal. It’s a huge deal and for me to have to defend that makes me even more sick.  The thing is, I am not looking for advice, or for someone to solve this for me. How about just a little support and a pick me up? I hate feeling this way.  On top of the stress over the situation, the way I feel is just agonizing. I’m so used to feeling upbeat and cheery. I just want this to pass. I want everything to be okay, and I want to get back to focusing on regular life again. Enjoying the holidays, and just carrying on without being on the brink of a breakdown.

I have not been to the gym all week. I’ve honestly been too busy. I’ve been logging my time TO THE MINUTE too. I don’t think people should be fired right off the bat like that either unless it’s something super crazy/serious. People should be given the chance to correct and to align what is asked across the organization. I’m hoping that is the case. Please say a super prayer, guys. I need it so much right now.

Thanks for always listening. <3

It's been awhile

I haven’t written in an entire week!!!!!!!! I don’t have that much to write about though. Over the weekend, we didn’t do anything outside of visiting my parents. The object is to spend zero dollars. I’m giving it a hell of a fight too. So far, since last Thursday, I have not spent any money outside of necessities. I went grocery shopping on Friday. That was the extent of spending money. I did have to pay for parking yesterday, but that just means I’ll put less money on my bus card. We do need a few things from the store, but again. They are all necessities. Em needs diapers. I’m trying to make it until Friday before I buy any, but having to provide for home and daycare pretty much kills that. We’re almost out completely. We can probably make it through today, but that’s it. This upcoming weekend, we’ll continue with our spending freeze. I’m trying to make it all the way until December 1st. No eating out, no coffee runs for me at work, or buying unnecessary toys while at Wal*mart. That’s a big one. When I’m at Wally, I usually will grab a couple shirts for Em, a small toy, and candles for the house. Those small purchases really add up. It’ll be a boring weekend for sure, but we need to save as much money as we possibly can. Things are a little tight right now. So tight that I’ve actually had to revert back to buying cup o noodles for lunch. I posted in my body building group. I was told to add some tuna, or chicken to it. Yeah, it might not be the best, but at least adding in some healthy protein makes it not so bad. That’s what I’ll do to save some money over the next couple of weeks.

I’m so glad all the Christmas shopping is done though. It just sucks to be this broke. It would be nice to add on a couple of items for Em, but I don’t know. If I can just pinch pennies for as long as possible it’ll definitely be a possibility. I really want to get him a potty chair. I also wouldn’t mind getting him a chair for the living room. Those are the two extra items that I have waiting in the wings. We’ll see. It’s not that it’s hard to NOT spend money. It’s not that hard, but when you think about just sitting in the house all weekend with nothing to do you sort of miss it. We weren’t doing much, but getting out of the house mid-day to go to lunch, or a late breakfast was nice. With the weather cooling down, it’s not fun to be outside anymore. It has been rainy too. I know we’ll make it though. It’ll be a good thing for me to do this. I just need to hunker down because I don’t want to be worse off than I already am.

Work is insane. I am now working in two departments. Don’t ask me how. They decided to not backfill a position in another department. Instead, it was decided that I’d do all of that work, plus the work I currently support. It has been a grueling three days since this all begun. I don’t know. I just need to figure out how to make this all work. Alright, I have to get back. Have a super day, guys.

Well damn

THE FIRST PART OF THIS WAS WRITTEN ON MONDAY!

The last time I wrote I was getting ready to take Em trick-or-treating at the waterfront. It was packed. A 15 minute drive turned into almost 35 minutes. It was insane. Stores ran out of candy 25 minutes after it started, yet it was supposed to be a three hour event. We ended up taking Em to a couple of stores, then just shopping with my mom. It was still a good time. Afterwards, we went to my parent’s house for dinner. I don’t know that we’ll do that next year. It didn’t seem worth it. Plus, waiting in a line of 60 kids for one piece of candy seems silly. It gave us something to do though, so I can’t knock it too much.

On Friday, Em had his school party, so I sent him in Halloween Jammies. They were doing a masquerade, plus a pj party. Anyway, I boxed up the mummy cookies to send in too. When I picked him up, he had an entire cubby filled with treats, including one of the mummy cookies I sent. Amongst all of the other treats, they actually looked store bought, which made me feel pretty proud. We didn’t do anything on Friday night. After Em went to bed, I watched “In her shoes”. I love that movie so much.

Saturday was the big day! Halloween! Em slept in until 915am! How crazy is that?! When he woke up, I made him pumpkin shaped pancakes and eggs for breakfast. We just hung out at the house all day. Lunch was pumpkin shaped grilled cheese. He ended up taking a later nap, which only lasted an hour, but it was enough time for me to get a shower, get ready, and pack all of our stuff. Around 430pm, I got him in his costume, then we headed to my parent’s house. Trick-or-treating didn’t start until 6pm, so we had some time to kill. My sister and nephew were already there, so we were just waiting for my best friend, her kids, and her brother with his kiddos. We had a freaking blast trick-or-treating. Em was nuts as hell though. He was just darting off and into the street. It was wild. After a few blocks, I put him in the stroller. I was exhausting myself chasing  him. He was happy eating chips along the way, so I did most of the trick-or-treating for him. It’ll be easier next year when he grasps the concept more. We went around for a little over an hour, which was longer than I had expected. When we got back to my parent’s house, all of the kids came over. We had food and drinks. It was insane. We had at least 40 people stop by. The kids all had a blast. We hung out until almost 9pm before we headed home. When we got home, I gave Em a quick bath, then put him to bed. He slept until 930am! Setting the clocks back had us all wacky yesterday though. 930am really meant 1030am, so that threw me off all damn day gaining an hour.

We did nothing yesterday aside from grocery shopping. We slumped around the house watching television, and playing with toys. I cleaned a lot too. Em took such a late nap. He slept from 3-5pm, which really meant it was 6pm! I was so worried that bedtime would be messed up, but it wasn’t. He went down at his usual time. He ended up crying around 12:45am. I waited him out and he stopped after about a minute, but that never happens. Then, around 5am. I heard him cry again. It only lasted for about 10 seconds, but I definitely heard him. I woke him up a little early this morning just to make sure he was okay. He seemed fine. Maybe he had a scary dream, or something?

This week, we don’t have anything planned. I’m okay with that. I have a dentist appointment on Friday, which should be just lovely! I have to get two fillings, then the dentist is going to rebuild a broken tooth in the back. I have to be there for 1.5 hours. I know I’m going to suffer bad after, especially with keeping my mouth open that long. I don’t look forward to this pain. I just hope it isn’t as bad as when I had the root canal. He’s going to put a temp crown on this tooth too, but I won’t be able to afford the permanent one for a long time. It’s $150 for the permanent crown. I hope the temporary one is comfortable like the last one I had. It’s going to be on there for a while.

Over the weekend, Emerson’s play kitchen and play food came. It’s crazy how fast that stuff ships from Wal*mart. I’m just waiting on the pretend gas pump. That’s all I got him for Christmas, but that’s okay. He is too small to really understand right now. He has so many toys as it is. He doesn’t need a boatload. My parents spoiled him rotten though. They got him so much stuff already. I need to go through his toys before Christmas. I don’t know where the heck we’re fitting all of this in our house.

Alright, guys. I am going to cut this now, so I can go haul arse. Have a super Monday!

OKAY GUYS…THIS IS FROM TODAY: WEDNESDAY

So, I barely made it through half the work day on Monday before Daycare called to give Emerson the boot from having three runny diapers. I had to hitch a ride from town to my car. Ugh. I ended up having to take Tuesday off of work because he was not permitted back into daycare for 24 hours. He was fine yesterday. His diapers weren’t runny. They were looser than usual, but I’m blaming it on too many Halloween treats. I am so freaking paranoid right now that they are going to call me though. I just need my normalcy back. He was an absolute nightmare during the second part of the day yesterday. He refused to nap, therefore he was extremely overtired, which meant he was just out of control. We don’t have those days often, but we definitely did yesterday. He bit the dog so badly. He wouldn’t let go of her. The poor dog was freaking yelping in so much pain. Trying to get him to unlatch from her was nuts. Not having a little nap time break really sucked. Before all of that mayhem went down, we did have a nice day. I took him to the park to play, then we did a little fall mini photo shoot. The pictures came out adorably. He slept perfectly fine last night. I put him to bed a little early too. I was a bit paranoid that he’d wake up all night, but luckily, he didn’t and I got some sleep. I hope he is having a better day today.

Okay, I gotta run. Have a super one, guys!