This is long

This weekend was pretty mellow. We did nothing on Friday night, but it was nice. I let Emerson stay up a little later. We watched Tarzan. It’s so funny because he always flips out and cries in the beginning of the movie when baby Tarzan is being discovered by his soon-to-be gorilla mommy. A few months ago, we watched Tarzan and I noticed Em crying during this part, but I wrote it off and thought it was just a coincidence. Well, on Friday night, he did it again. We watched it a second time this weekend on Saturday. Low and behold, he started FREAKING out. I took a video of it. It’s so funny, but cute that he understands a movie enough that the thought of this big gorilla taking a baby scares him. I certainly do not give him enough credit when it comes to comprehension.

So anyway, the weather was gorgeous on Saturday! Cloudless sky, sunny, and warm. I hadn’t expected that, so it was a nice surprise. We had breakfast plans with my sister, which was nice. We typically don’t do restaurants because Em is just too crazy, but we decided to give it a whirl. It wasn’t bad because we just went somewhere that had a breakfast buffet. Not waiting for food made it a lot easier. He chowed down. It was nice hanging out with my sister, and being able to talk, but being out of the house. Afterward, she came with us to run some errands. I had a gift card to use, so I got Em an electronic Dalmatian dog that walks on a leash, barks, pants, and whines. It is so cute! He carried that thing around all weekend. We named him Sparky. Side bar, growing up, I had a Dalmatian named Sparky. He ended up getting hit by a car though. Very tragic. I still remember every detail down to what I was wearing that day. I was in 5th grade. Some things you just never forget, but enough about that. After we got home, we went out into the yard to play for a few hours. It was so beautiful out! I cannot believe our January has been as warm as it has. I hope we don’t severely pay for this later, but we are all becoming so spoiled over this weather. After a while, we came back into the house. We had plans to run over to my sister’s new house to see how the painting was progressing. Ah, I don’t think I blogged about this. My sister got a house! It is so freaking adorable. I am so happy for her. Not only was she strong enough to leave her abusive fiancé, but she found a house so quickly. She was so worried that she’d end up having to live with my parents forever. A couple of weeks after she moved there, she found a place, and is moving out on February 1st! My parents are helping her paint, install new flooring, and do some small upgrades to the place. They have been working non-stop to get it ready in time for move in day. The craziest part is it’s EXACTLY one block up from my parent’s house. Same exact house number + a block. Same street, etc. Talk about fate. Em and I popped over there on Saturday afternoon. He hasn’t been napping for me, but he fell asleep in the car holding Sparky. I wasn’t about to wake him and ruin it, so I made my sister come out to the car, so I could go in to see the house. We went home afterwards, and I put Em in his crib. He slept for another 1.5 hours! It was nice! That has not happened in quite some time. I forgot how good the luxury of nap time felt.

So, remember the guy I had spoken about in a prior blog? He had asked me what I was doing for the Steeler game on Saturday night. My original plans were to start making decorations for Emerson’s 2nd birthday party. I don’t really watch football unless I have a reason. I told him he could come over to watch it, while I made my decorations. Typically, I don’t let him come over until Emerson is in bed. We’ve been hanging out for a few months. So far, his path has not crossed with Emerson. Anyway, I assumed he’d come over around 8:15pm when the game started. Em had napped until 4, so I had planned on giving him a bath at 8, then putting him to bed. I’d just leave the door unlocked, so he could come in quietly, while I was taking care of Em. Anyway, he texted me around 6pm  and asked when he could come over. He said he was ready to  leave his house. Well, that sort of scared me. I knew Em wouldn’t be ready for bed for a couple of hours at that point. If he got to my house around 645-7, that meant he’d be hanging out with us for at least an hour. I wasn’t sure what his comfort level was with that, so I wrote back and said I was okay with it if he was. You just never know how people respond. They might assume you think it’s serious because they finally met your kid. He was fine with it, which I knew he would be. When he got there, Em was so shy. It was HILARIOUS. He hid on the couch with his hands over his eyes for at least 10 min. I’ve never seen this kid be so calm/quiet before. After a little while, he started to warm up though. He soon became his crazy self, especially when he started to get tired. It was funny seeing him interact with another male that isn’t my dad. It went just as I expected though. It wasn’t weird, or anything. Around 8:15pm, we pretended to say goodbye, then I took Em in for a bath, then bedtime. I was a little worried that he wouldn’t want to go to bed thinking that someone was at our house, but that didn’t happen at all.

Things sort of went left field from this point. I am not going to post every single detail, but I’ll try to share enough, so that you guys can get a sense of why I feel like I either need to end it outwardly, or I need to at least have a conversation first to see if anything changes. After I put Em to bed, I came back into the living room. The Steeler game had just begun. Remember I said I wanted to start making decorations? I was going to multi-task. Not a big deal to me. Well, to him, it was. He wanted to watch the game WITH me and have me be engaged in the game. Fine. I decided I could just make decorations the next day. No big deal. We start watching the game. We were eating some food I made, food he brought, and drinking beer. No biggie deal, right? I don’t know what happened. Maybe he was getting drunk, but he started to act sort of rude. I know he was tense from the game. Who wasn’t? It was a crazy nail biter that literally came down to the last seconds of the game ( we won). As the game progressed, he was just acting more, and more ridiculous. Just saying rude things, or random things, then becoming snippy when I commented, or asked a follow-up question to something he said. I mean, it was just a little strange. I drank 2 beers. That was it. He drank 12 beers, which he can handle because he is a bigger guy, but then he started drinking vodka. At this point, I said no. I mean, I am no one’s mother, but from the way he was acting after drinking all of that beer. I was scared of how he might act if he went to hard liquor. I don’t really want some crazy, drunk person in my home with my son. You just never know what might happen. The game was going on. He kept screaming, and becoming LOUDER, AND LOUDER. I was trying to tell him to quiet down in a nice way too. At one point, he told me he should have went to watch it with his friends. Okay. Well, my son is sleeping. If he wakes up, then who knows if I will ever get him back to sleep, plus he was drunk. I wouldn’t want Em being around someone acting like that either. This is where things sorta went a bit awry. He started saying that we should go to his house. He said we could wake Em up, put him in the car, and he’d probably fall asleep before we even got there. It was midnight, guys. I mean, come on. He wouldn’t let it go. Then, he started saying he was going to go in Em’s room, and wake him up. What?! I mean, I get that he was drunk, but come on. Anytime he went to the bathroom, I was so afraid that he’d sneak upstairs to pluck Em out of his crib. He literally said it about 50 times, then wouldn’t let it go. “When did parents start revolving their lives around their kid’s sleeping patterns?” Let’s assess the situation. There is no need to pluck my kid out of bed at midnight, get into the car with a drunk person, then be on the road with potential drunk drivers who were out watching the Steeler game. That’s called irresponsible and stupid.

This guy was so drunk. He asked me if he could stay at my house. I didn’t want to say yes, but I HAD to because he was so drunk. There was no way in hell I could let him just drive drunk like that. When we went to bed, he finally started to sober up, but I could smell vodka pouring out of his pores. All I kept thinking was “this guy is not driving anywhere”. We did hook up, but he starts to get really crazy. I will spare you the details. I mean, replaying this now, I can’t even believe some of the things that were said. Drunk, or not, it was just CRAZY. He ended up leaving at 7am. Emerson slept until 8am. That gave me time to clean up the house and shower too. It was a long day because I hardly slept that night. I was honestly afraid to fall asleep. Again, he was 4 sheets to the wind, so maybe that’s why he was acting that way, but even still. I cannot have someone in my house acting that way. He has never behaved that way when we’ve hung out in the past. He also has never been that drunk either. He was having a bad day before he got to my house, so I think that had a lot to do with it, but come on. I just don’t want to add someone into my life that could shake it up in a negative way. I just don’t think it is something that I should be pursuing.

Now, I feel like I have to say something. I don’t know if I should just have a conversation to let him know that we absolutely cannot hang out ever again if he’s going to drink that way. I mean, that’s me trusting that he won’t, but then what? If he does, what if things go badly?! I mean, I don’t even think that’s a risk that I want to take. The things he was saying to me during sex elude to the fact that he really thinks of me as just someone to hook up with too. So, I don’t think that it was really going very far anyway for him to be too upset about it. At least he doesn’t elude to that. He is very closed off with feelings and has mentioned it many times to me. I guess he supposes the subtle things he says, and does should be enough, but to me, it really is not. I don’t want to waste time for no reason. I guess I need to have a conversation, then let the reaction/outcome drive it from there. Most importantly, I do not want drama in my life. Especially not drama from men. It has been years since anything like that has dictated my moods, or my life. I just refuse to have it. If someone isn’t adding value to my life, then they have to go. I have cut people off for far less. It’s absolutely refreshing to know what you want, and don’t want. That is a perspective I never had pre-mommy life. I love taking things slow,  and getting to know them before I decide if there is a relationship that I’d like to pursue. We’ve been friends since August, but only started to consistently see each other since November. I think after all of this time, there would be a clear direction. There really isn’t. Mix that with these red flags from Saturday, and I think it’s just time to figure it out now, or leave it behind.

Alright, I am going to leave this here. If anyone has any comments about it, but you don’t want to post it here, send me a hangout message, or message me on FB if we are friends. My sister does know that I have been seeing this person, but she doesn’t know all of the details. I am VERY private when it comes to anything like this. I haven’t even mentioned it to my parents. To me, I keep it quiet until I know it’s going somewhere, and I want to bring it up. Until then, I just keep it to myself. I forgot to mention something else. All night, he was posting about the game on Facebook. He probably posted 12-13 status updates, which is fine. I really don’t care. The issue was anytime I picked up my phone, he’d say something about it. He even took my phone out of my hands several times. I was not on my phone a lot. My sister actually texted me to tell me about something that happened that night, so I was responding to her. I wasn’t scrolling on facebook, or anything like that. Anyway, he took a picture of the food we were eating at my house, then posted it. He didn’t tag me, or anything, which was fine. I didn’t care, but what bothered me was the conversation that occurred in the comments. Some girl said that she wanted to eat what he posted. He said that he was sorry. He brought it to another “party” Oh, I didn’t realize we were having a party. I guess I didn’t get that invitation. Maybe 2 people make a party nowadays. I wasn’t aware. So, this girl responds and says she’s so jealous “of them” aka of the people at the party. HA. Then she says that she wants him to bring shrimp to their hang out night. So, he responds back and says “invite me over” Really? I mean, even if this person is YOUR FRIEND, you have to see how shady/rude that looks. So, you take a picture of this shrimp that is sitting ON MY DININGROOM TABLE, post it, then say you brought it to a PARTY, then you say invite me over. I mean, that right there should be grounds for dismissal. Yes, you aren’t my boyfriend, but come on. He questioned who I was going to breakfast with like I had a date, yet look at that conversation.

Okay, I have to end this now.

TMI

This is going to sound crazy, but I made an appointment to have my mirena (iud) removed next Tuesday. For all of you ladies who have one, please chime in. I’m curious to hear if you’ve had some of the same issues that I am having. Men, you can exit now. This might be too much information for you though I’ll try to keep it as discreet as possible.

12 days ago, my cycle started. I do not cycle very often. I had Emerson 01/29/2014. I had the mirena inserted in the beginning of March 2014. It has been almost two years that I’ve had it. I think I had some spotting a few times the first 15-16 months of Emerson’s life. I never had an actual period. It was always just periodic bouts of spotting that would leave faster than it came. I think a few months ago is the first time I actually had a period. It lingered FOREVER. I am talking two weeks. That is just ridiculous. I was absolutely miserable and going out of my mind. Eventually, it stopped. Well, like most things that suck, when they stop, we all sort of just move on from it and forget. Fast forward to 12 days ago. I got my period. I wasn’t that bummed because I knew it would be light. I sort of forgot about the previous one though. After about a week, it wasn’t going away. It was VERY light, but still there. I have cramps, I am irritable, bloated, light-headed, and I actually feel extremely run down. I don’t feel like myself at all.  Last night, it was randomly VERY heavy, which scared me a little bit. I immediately felt faint. I laid on the couch ALL night and actually fell asleep by 9pm. Today, it’s back to being light, but the cramps are there, and the extreme fatigue. I googled a lot last night, and found so many terrifying things about this damn thing. I realize some people have no issues at all, but some do. I just cannot continue like this for the next 3 years. It is a 5 year IUD. I just want to desperately have it taken out. I’m going to revert back to the birth control pills that I was on prior to getting pregnant. I only got pregnant because I was stupid and forgot to take my pills too many days in a row. Obviously, I won’t be that careless this time. I used pills for 5 years and I never had a problem. My ob really pushed the mirena on me. I thought it would be a great method considering you can’t forget to take it. I just cannot take this though. It’s almost like being sick for weeks on end when your period decides to rear its ugly head.

My fear is that she won’t be able to find it to remove it, or she won’t let me remove it. I do not want to be pushed into keeping this thing another minute. I wish my appointment was not, not on Tuesday. I just want it out. I was actually in tears last night over this. Outside of the bleeding, I just feel so weird. I can’t even describe it. I couldn’t even workout last night because I was so fatigued. Again, this doesn’t happen often. I do notice that it seems to be a little worse each time I get a period. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like in 3 years! I just want this thing out of my body.  With my luck though, I’ll be completely normal by Tuesday and talking myself out of this.

The biggest downfall of pills is having to pay for a prescription every month L That was why I loved mirena. I never had to pay! When I had pills before, I was up to about $60 a month! That is unreal.  Factoring in $60 more a month scares me, but it’s necessary. Having another kid would be more expensive though. Keeping this mirena will continue to make me miserable, so I just have to figure this out now. I can’t deal.

Thanks for listening to me rant.

Ash

Low pressure

When I picked Em up from daycare yesterday, he had a slight temperature of 100. Well, I guess that’s not even really a temperature, but anyway. He was in the middle of having a SERIOUS tantrum, so they think that’s why his temperature was slightly elevated. He was upset that his teacher sat down with another kid. The funny part about it is the kid was her own daughter. Emerson was PISSED! I guess he doesn’t allow his teachers to fraternize with anyone else if it’s with their own children. He seemed fine by the time we got home, but I gave him some Motrin just in case.

After he went to bed, I worked out. It was leg day. Needless to say, I am in so much pain today. It’s a good kind of pain though. I cannot believe I allowed myself to backslide so much with eating and working out. What happened to me?! I guess I got burnt out after 4 straight months of a strict, clean diet. I kept up with working out though. I took about a 1.5 week break for Christmas. I think what I need to do is be strict for a few weeks at a time, and then have a little cheat day. That way, I can have a little freedom. Alcohol is killing me too. I barely drank at all when I was doing this in the summer time. That has changed a little bit. At least once a week, I enjoy some beverages. I just need to make sure that I do some extra cardio and really clean up the diet on those days. It is so hard to start over though. Today is my third day. I feel like I am doing well, but I could probably do better. I got on the scale today. I know, the number doesn’t really matter, but it really hit me today. Tonight, I am doing shoulders and biceps. Tomorrow, it’ll be tris and abs. Friday, I plan on doing cardio. Saturday will be a rest day unless I can squeeze in a cardio session in the morning, then Sunday I plan on doing a full body workout. That’ll round out week #1. I need to prep some food though for over the weekend. That’s when I fall off. Not having enough things ready kills me. Plus, sitting around the house bored is usually an issue too. I just know if I can make it through the first week strong, it’ll all come together by next week. I’ll have the drive and the focus that I am missing now. I also need to measure myself tonight. I think see those inches come off will motivate me more too. I’ll make that a priority tonight. Sorry that I’m talking about this so much. It just helps keep me on track to get my thoughts out. I miss being super fit so freaking much.

This morning, I decided to drive to work. I got half way there when my tire light came off indicating low pressure. It was so cold out this morning, so maybe it was attributed to that? I went to a gas station and checked the pressure. One tire did seem on the low side. I filled it with air, then went back home to work there. I’m just not sure what is going on. I didn’t want to end up having a full flat at the end of the day, then being stuck in a parking garage. I am going to keep an eye on it throughout the day, then go check the pressure after work. The weather is going to warmup here, so I’ll find out soon enough if that’s just what the issue is. I really hope it’s just flukey because of the cold weather. I don’t need any issues!

Alright, I am going to get off of here. I hope you all have a super hump day!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, All!

I don’t have any crazy news about how I rung in the new year. I sat on my couch with the dog and watched “New Years Rockin Eve”, while eating sushi, and sipping some champagne. It was nice though. Having all of this time off for the holidays is great, but DAMN! Being a mom 24/7 without having it broken up by daycare/work is exhausting. Sitting on my couch alone was honestly a real treat. I don’t even care how that comes across either. If you disagree with me, then you’re lying. My kid is also resisting naps now, so I don’t even get the small break that I was used to in the middle of the day to rejuvenate. He still needs a nap though. I can tell by his crazy behavior when he skips. The attitude and the crankiness is UNREAL. Yesterday, around 4pm, I pretty much had it. I put him in his crib, and told him he HAD to take a rest. I don’t know if he even fell asleep. I went up to get him at 5pm. He was laying there with his eyes open. I don’t know if he opened them when I opened the door, or if he just never drifted off. He was 700 times crankier though when I brought him back downstairs for dinner. It was a real delight! Needless to say, coming back to work today feels like an island vacation. Sometimes you just need the normalcy and routine.

Let’s see. What else is going on with me. Well, I started working out and eating better, but then I fell off because of New Years. Today, I am back on the horse. Eating crappy doesn’t even taste good anymore. I feel like utter crap from eating nothing but junk since Thanksgiving. I was doing so well until Friday. My sister was going to babysit for me, so that I could go out, but then plans changed. She decided to still come over to hang out with me, so we ate crappy food, had a couple of drinks, and rented a movie. It was nice, but there went the clean-eating for the weekend. My plans from Friday that were canceled were changed until Saturday. My sister had to work, so my friend (guy I blogged about last week) and I just hung out at my house. I made food, which was NOT healthy at all.  After that, I said screw it. I ate like crap on Sunday. Why waste the healthy groceries when I had already blown it for the week? I did meal prep yesterday though, so I am set up for this week. Now, I just need to stay on course.

This week, we have nothing planned. I don’t even care. I just want to save my pennies. I am planning Emerson’s 2nd birthday party, which is at the end of this month. It’s going to be very small, but cute. I’m doing an entire Mickey Mouse theme. I have it all planned out. The entire party should run me right around $100.00. I’m hoping I over budgeted and it ends up being less. Last year, his cookie monster party turned out so adorably. I can’t wait to see it all come together this year. I am hand making all of the décor again. It’ll give me something to do over the next month. I’ll post pictures.

I’m supposed to have 2 more wisdom teeth removed on Thursday. I AM CANCELING! I need a break. I’m afraid to cancel though because I know they’ll check the one that I just had pulled last week. If I don’t have these two pulled, then I think this appointment will be counted against me and I’ll have to pay something. My insurance isn’t going to cover a follow-up like that unless it’s for something necessary. I feel okay, but you just never know what’s really going on. I have a couple of days to decide what I want to do. I can probably ask if I can go in just to have it looked at real quick. I don’t know if there is food stuck in there, or what. I’d rather have the dentist check just to make sure it’s healing properly. I have no pain, but that doesn’t mean anything. The whole though of a huge, gaping hole in my mouth makes me want to puke. I can barely think about it without becoming squeamish. It’s disgusting, which is mostly why I want to cancel my appointment on Thursday. I am not ready to go through that again so soon, especially before the other side is even healed. It’s just so gross, guys. I can’t even tell ya. I have to stop, or I will literally puke.

Alright, let’s talk about something more interesting. The guy that I have been seeing gives me the worst mixed signals. I can’t tell what the deal is. I definitely don’t want to say anything either because it’s still kind of soon to be wanting, or asking for me. I guess I’d just like to know if it could potentially go in that direction, or is it really just something to pass the time. Obviously I don’t want to waste my time on anyone like that.

I’ll let it go awhile longer before I say anything. He already told me he’s pretty bad with feelings, so I doubt he’d be super open without me prompting first. I am pretty bad at feelings too. I’m so darn guarded because I don’t want to look stupid. Alright, I have to get back to work. Lunch is over. Have a glorious week, all!