2014, without a doubt, was my most life-changing year. I still cannot believe that I had a baby. It’s so hard to wrap my mind around. Everything surrounding Emerson is baffling. Child labor, stumbling through breastfeeding/pumping, learning the ropes of motherhood, figuring out how to be a single mother, finances, etc. Somehow, we made it through. My dad made a comment on New Year’s Eve. “I don’t know how we pulled it off, but we did it another year” I can barely type that without tearing up. I feel so proud, but just so relieved that I was able to get us through this fucking year. I had no idea when I was pregnant how I was going to pay for daycare, household expenses, etc. I was beyond stressed out and Emerson wasn’t even here yet. I spent a lot of time trying to preplan and figure things out while I was pregnant. Even in those early months of his life, I was preparing and crunching numbers. After I allowed myself to relax a bit, it was easier to enjoy the incredible miracle I was given. Motherhood is the hardest job I have ever had, but it is by far the most rewarding. The fact that I’m doing it myself makes me feel so much stronger and even more proud. Some days, I have no idea how I made it through, but I did! We are nearing Emerson’s first birthday and I can’t tell you guys enough how beyond proud I am. This shit is NOT easy! I hold the weight on my shoulders every single day. The most important thing to me is Emerson and I will continue to do whatever I can for that boy.
Not only did I become an official mother in 2014, but I moved into a house, which has been the best thing for us. Having our own home and space is amazing. While I enjoyed the first three months of Emerson’s life at my parent’s house, it was nice to move into our own space. I was so stressed out over my apartment. I was paying for a shitty place that didn’t suit our needs. I stood up for myself, put my foot down, and got the hell out of there. I’m so glad I stumbled across this house. It has been such a blessing and a great place for Emerson to make memories during his childhood. The fenced in yard has been the best thing for us too. Kodie can run freely and I don’t need to take the baby out each bathroom break! Yes, we had a run-in with a family of skunks (pee-yew), but after that was cleared out, the yard was such a great feature for us. I can’t wait for Emerson to be able to run and play in it this summer!
Another big change this year was work. I was put on a new team, which definitely posed some new challenges for me. I was given the option to work from home several days a week though, which I couldn’t be more appreciative of. Though those days seem to be dwindling, I still do have the option, which has helped me more than I could ever express. I’ve grown so much professionally this year. I know I don’t speak about work often here, but just know that I have grown and things are looking up in this area of my life!
My relationships have changed so much this year. I’ve grown even closer with my parents. Things were a bit rocky in the beginning when I felt a lack of help, but they’ve more than stepped up and have been great with Emerson. I couldn’t imagine not having my mom and dad around daily. Even though we don’t see them daily, they are always there to call/text, which I appreciate so very much. My dad has been such an amazing male figure in Emerson’s life too. He has helped us out on more than one occasion with groceries and money. My mom has been a great shoulder to lean on when I feel like I’m at my wit’s end. She doesn’t understand 100% where I am coming from as a single mother, but she recognizes my strife and struggle and is always there to support me. I’m so glad because I think I’d lose my damn mind without those two! This year, my younger sister was engaged and moved into her own house. I have sensed a shift in our relationship, but I do know that she will always be there for me when I need her. Right now, she’s figuring out her life and how to put her pieces together. She was there for me when I needed her the most. It’s time that I let her off the hook and to figure out her life and repay the favor by being there for her.
2014 was a huge year for me creatively. I pulled myself way out of my comfort zone and tackled projects I never dreamed. I designed my house, made my own curtains, table runners, and art work. On top of that, I started to make beautiful wreaths that I had no idea I had a talent for. Now, I’m making my own party décor! 2015 is definitely going to be a big year for me. I got a sewing machine for Christmas, so I’m looking forward to beginning some new adventures with that. Look out because there are definitely big things to come! It has been absolutely amazing to tap into my creative side and channel my energy into something I love. It truly does make me happy. I’m glad I found a little bit of time for myself to do something that I enjoy.. One of the most important things I’ve learned this year is that I do matter. My happiness matters too. Yes, I am a mom and my focus is on Emerson, but it is okay to indulge in myself at times and to find my own joy outside of my baby. It took me a LONG time to figure this out. I’m glad I did because now I see what I am capable of and how happy it makes my soul!
I think the biggest thing I’ve learned this year is to not focus on the small things. I know that sounds REALLY cliché, but it’s true. It took me awhile to learn that. It is no secret that I am a single mother. Emerson’s dad decided he did not want to be a part of his life. It was hard for me to come to terms with that. Chalk it up to post-partum emotions and hormones being all out of whack, but I think once I realized where my focus should be, it didn’t matter anymore. The craziest part about it is I don’t even think about him often at all. It’s almost as though I was impregnated by immaculate conception. I don’t tie myself, or Emerson back to that person. When I’m asked about his father, I’m always shocked because I forget this person even exists. Life is so much greater than one person. I have the whole world in Emerson. He’s more than enough to overshadow any of that negativity. I wish I had learned this a long time ago. I would have enjoyed my pregnancy a lot more and stressed way less. I hate that I wasted time being upset, but I couldn’t come to terms with everything unless I worked through it. I’m glad I was able to do that. I don’t know why people make shitty decisions, but the best part about it is I don’t have to care about that anymore. I’ve completely moved on and couldn’t be happier. To anyone who reads my blog that is a single mother: It is okay and it will be okay. If you need reassurance, look over the last year of my life in all of these blogs I’ve posted. If anyone can learn anything from me, it would be to not sweat the small stuff. You can’t make anyone do anything they truly don’t want to do, so don’t even waste your time. Refocus that attention and I promise, you’ll be so much happier. That’s what I’ve done and I have the course of 2014 to prove that! You are stronger than you feel even on your weakest day. Don’t let some asshole overrun your life and make it miserable. Every day is what YOU make it out to be.
I love you guys so much for encouraging and supporting me all year! I look forward to recording my crazy journey in 2015! I hope you all take the ride with me. It’s been incredible to have such faithful readers and always feel that someone is there for me even when I feel the most alone. I know I suck at responding to my comments, but know that I do read everything that is posted here and on my google+ and it is so beyond appreciated. I was welcomed into an amazing g+ family back in September 2013. I will never forget the warm welcoming I had and how my story was embraced! You all have helped empower me so much. I hope you all have an incredible 2015. Let’s make it the best one yet!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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