I didn’t want to write this all in one blog, or it would be way too long and you’d all be bored by the time you got to the end of it. So, here is another blog with what’s been going on in our lives.
I was off the day after Christmas, which was nice. Emerson has been sleeping like absolute shit though. At bed time, he will not sleep. He plays around for anywhere up to 2 hours before finally closing his eyes. He wakes in the middle of the night ready to play. I have no idea what is going on. Could it be that he’s so on the cusp of walking that he can’t turn his brain off? He did get a ton of new toys for Christmas. Perhaps he’s just over stimulated from that. I have turned my brain upside down for any kind of answers. He was sick and teething, but both have tapered off, therefore I’m not factoring those into this issue anymore. Maybe it’s a phase, but I hate this. I just want my sleeping baby back. I’m suffering…badly! I have to work for hours just to get him down for a nap/bedtime. I’m beyond exhausted after each time. So, last night was a real turning point for us. I decided enough is enough. He’s been rolling around in bed like crazy. Not only that, but with him randomly waking at night, I’m deathly afraid he’ll fall out of bed when I’m still sleeping. Times they are a changing…
I don’t believe in cry it out…at all. I’ve always advocated AGAINST it. I didn’t mind bed sharing. I slept great and so did Emerson. I never felt he was in danger either, so I did what worked for us. Now, that isn’t working anymore. I know I’m doing the entire family a disservice by allowing this to continue. Last night, I let him play as long as he wanted. He woke from his last nap at 3:45. We had dinner around 6:30pm. Bath was at 7:20pm. Afterwards, I was very calm, kept the house quiet, my voice quiet, and let Emerson know it was bed time. He was showing obvious signs of being tired, so I knew after bath, it was jammies, and bed. After jammie time, I told him it was bedtime, Kissed him goodnight, told him I loved him, and I put him down. I walked out of the room and headed downstairs. Tears like you wouldn’t believe. It was SO HARD. I had the monitor on in the living room. Every wail was excruciating. I felt like the world’s worst mother, but I knew there was no other way. I needed this and so did he. After 7 minutes, he stopped. He stopped for a really long time. He’d whimper here and there, but I could tell he was fast asleep. I still felt bad and I couldn’t get myself to sleep. Not only am I sleep training him, but I’m sleep training myself. I laid there forever. Three hours passed and I was still awake. I knew he’d probably get hungry at some point, so I pumped a bottle. I knew nursing would guarantee that I’d put him in bed with me. Though I’m not ready to night wean, I knew nursing would ruin everything. 11pm approached and Emerson started to cry. 3 hours and 15 minutes of sleep. I knew he must need something. I waited and waited, but he never grew quiet, so I knew he was probably hungry. I headed up and checked his diaper. Wet. I quickly, but quietly changed his bum, then tried laying him down with a bottle. No way, José! He was SHAKING so badly. How could I just lay him down and leave again?! I couldn’t! I just couldn’t. I picked him up and he immediately rested his head on my shoulder. I nuzzled and snuggled him for a minute before crawling into bed and nursing him. We both slept soundly.
I woke up this morning feeling exhausted and defeated. I failed because I took him out and put him in bed with me. How would I ever do this? When he woke this morning, I was sure he’d be upset with me, not smiling, and cold to me, but he wasn’t. Instead, he beamed at me, giggled, and talked as I got him ready for daycare. Whew. That was reassuring. I spoke to a few of my friends who reassured me that I didn’t fail. It’s a gradual process. Putting him down to sleep for 3 hours was incredible and the fact that he barely cried was even better. He still has needs and eventually, he won’t wake up at all. Continue to put him down at a set bedtime, stick to the routine, and it’ll all pan out. I didn’t fail because I picked him up at 11pm. I feel a lot better. I just don’t know that I’ll have the gusto for this tonight. I’m so tired and even more tired from stressing out about doing this. I just hope I have the strength to pull it off again tonight. Even if I just put him down initially for bedtime I’ll be happy with that. Just to have a few hours to myself in the evening before nursing him in bed with me would be a blessing. I’m really sick of having to go to bed at 745pm because my baby needs to go to bed that early. I’m over being confined to a bed or couch during nap time. It isn’t normal. I have things that I need and want to get done. Those naps and bedtimes are supposed to be my sanity. It’s been 11 months (exactly to the day). I haven’t really had a real break during naptime/bedtime in months. It’s time and it’ll be better to do it now before he can crawl out of the crib/playpen. So, I am going to try to remain strong, but damn! This is so hard, especially without reinforcement to back me up! Everyone, say a little prayer to give me strength to get through this! I just want to be able to sleep train, so that we ALL can finally get a good night’s rest!
Outside of that, Emerson and I stayed at home all day on Friday and Saturday. We did sneak out on Saturday morning for coffee and a donut. I was exhausted and needed the caffeine badly. Him, not so much! He loved his chocolate donut though. Sunday, we went grocery shopping. I forgot my wallet, which almost sent me into a fuss, but I remembered it was out in the car, so crisis averted. This morning, I lost my debit card at the gas station. I thought I threw it away with my receipt, so there I was…Digging through a big garbage can. My hands were disgusting. I gave up looking, retreated back to the car to cancel the card, and saw the damn thing lying on the ground. Face palm. I need to get some sleep now! So, here I am, back at work. I hope this week goes fast and that Emerson can find a good balance and a way to get some rest, so both of us can get back in our right headspace. I have a half day on New Years Eve. We’re just going to my parent’s for dinner, then home to an early bedtime…I HOPE!
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