I haven’t spoken about this in quite some time because I haven’t really had time to consume myself with it. Plus, I think I bury these feelings because it makes me too sad and I don’t have time to really be sad. My sister is still very distant from our family. Yes, she has come around for some holidays, but even when I try to talk to her via text, she usually ignores me, or gives me a short response. The past couple of times I asked if she wanted to get together with myself and the baby, she’s ignored me, then claimed that she didn’t receive the text messages. The weird thing is, she’ll answer my texts up until I ask her to hang out. Coincidence? I mean, I’d like to think that a person isn’t being malicious on purpose and then just lying to cover up their malicious intent, but I 100% know that my mom told her I texted her and asked that she just reach out to see what I wanted. She never did. It’s weird. How can you receive text messages and then in a 30 second period they stop working right after I ask her what she’s doing, or if she wants to hang out? If you are going to choose to distance yourself, then at least own it and just say “No, thank you” instead of leaving me hanging. She hasn’t seen the baby in two months aside from about 5 minutes when she came over to meet my mom to go to dinner a few weeks ago. I try to give her the opportunity to spend some time with him because she seemed a small bit interested in having a relationship with him. I think I misread it. If he’s there, then she’ll talk to him, but out of sight out of mind? I can’t figure it out. Maybe I’m not meant to figure it out. Like I said, I don’t have a whole lot of time to give it thought, but it’s always lingering there in the back of my mind. It came up yesterday because my mom was crying.
We all had plans to go to Isaiah’s football game. I didn’t mention anything to my sister because she never answered the last text messages that I sent and disregarded the text from my mom asking her to see what I wanted because she said she didn’t get my message. You can only be shot down so many times. I figured she doesn’t want bothered by me, so why continue to bother someone? We all just kind of plan these family things without her because we all know the answer will be no and it’s just less hurtful to not hear the disappointment. She knows she’d always be included if she wanted to. I guess we all just assume now that the answer will be No, so why continue to ask? She texted my mom and invited her to come to her apartment for coffee. Well, obviously this is disheartening to us. The kids are here. She could come over and spend time with the kids and my dad, whom she hasn’t seen either. Wouldn’t that make sense? Instead, she isolates herself further. It just feels insulting to us, but again, there really isn’t much that we can do. My mom let her know we were going to Isaiah’s first game of the season and invited her. Well, I guess she said she couldn’t because she had other plans. I just thought that was weird because she had time to have coffee with mom, but not come to some of Isaiah’s game, even if it wasn’t the entire game. It’s just obvious that we are being avoided. It sucks because we truly thought she was changing and coming back around, but then she starts isolating herself again and we’re all just kind of confused.
It has been almost an entire year that everything broke. We all had hope that it would come back together a long time ago, but it hasn’t and I am finally starting to accept that it never will. I told Brittany yesterday that it feels like Nikki died. I said I know that seems so extreme, but it does. She agreed with me. You want someone around so much and to talk to them again, but you can’t. It really does feel like she died. It’s so strange. I still can’t believe this all happened because Brittany found out via me some of the things Nikki was saying about her and Britt posted on facebook about Nikki’s life change. I mean, that isn’t relationship breaking at all. It’s petty and stupid. High school at best. These aren’t things that tear apart a family at all. We’ve owned up to and apologized for our mistakes. It happened and you move on from them. Girls will be girls, and yes, we were typical gossiping girls.
I so wish I could just go back in time. It has sucked for an entire year. Even through the good times like having the baby and seeing him grow, there is always this element that is missing. During family dinners and excursions, there is always this small missing piece. Sometimes I think she gets her jollies off of making us feel this way because it sort of makes her feel superior. If we didn’t give her this feeling, then maybe she would come around. Almost like “absence makes the heart grow fonder” kind of stuff. We tried that. We tried being silent and quiet, but it didn’t really work. We tried the desperation avenue too. That also didn’t work. You can just see the change in her eyes. It’s so weird because she isn’t the same Nikki at all. I just remember her being so fucking funny. Like, she would say the CRAZIEST stuff that would have you in hysterics. She was always there to listen too. Sometimes her advice was a little harsh, but sometimes that rawness was necessary. She was humble too. She didn’t think she was better than you and was so relatable. Now, there is an air of “I am superior and better” “my life is better than yours” It’s strange and you’d truly just have to know her pre and post Nikki. It’s sad. It’s like her spirit was literally sucked right out of her and replaced with this unknown person.
I don’t know if she’s happy. I can’t tell. What I see when she is around is a façade. A person that is so closed off and just giving you the side of her that she thinks we want to see. Partying and drinking with her friends, always out and about, and just living such a fun life. Constantly being invited here and there and always busy and on the go. We don’t care about that stuff though. It’s all superficial and none of us even care to hear about that. We want to hear from the real Nikki. The one that was honest and caring. Asking us how we are and reciprocating with something personal about her life. She did replace her family with her friends. Maybe that is making her happy? I still can’t tell. What about when these people move on though? I guess that might never happen. We will always be there regardless, but it sucks that 15 more years might lapse before it happens.
It’s just so weird. I can’t even describe the huge, gaping hole that I have in my life. The sad thing is, I don’t know that I’d want to replace that hole with THIS person. I just want the OLD person back. Heck, I’d even take the OLD person with a MIX of the new. It’s better than nothing. She just absolutely hates me so badly guys. It makes me want to cry. Okay, I can’t type anymore about this…
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