Today is already going to be so busy. I double booked myself in meetings and also have a presentation. I really hope I don’t mess up. I’ve been practicing so much on the baby, but every time I do, he falls asleep! I guess I must be pretty boring, huh?! I’m not that nervous, or worried about it, but I do want to do a good job and convey my message in an understandable way. Pray for me!
After daycare yesterday, Emerson and I played for a bit. Around 6pm, I nursed him, then I ate dinner, while he played. He ended up falling asleep as I was practicing my presentation. He slept from about 6:45pm-9:30pm. At that point, I just put him to bed for the night. Because he had no real dinner, he woke to nurse often last night. I ended up waking up at 4am, taking a shower, doing hair and makeup, putting away the clean dishes, getting the diaper bag ready, and packing my work bag. I also took out the garbage. The baby woke up around 5:10am. I gave him a bath before daycare because he didn’t have one last night. After I got him dressed, I nursed him again, then we played before we had to hit the road. I had to go to the gas station before I got on the bus. I feel like I’ve had a full day already and it’s only 7:45am!
I decided to have a bonfire at my house in early October for the kids. I think it’ll be really cute. I’m not going to go all wild and drive myself nuts with preparation, but I think it’ll be really adorable to let them paint mini pumpkins, drink cider, make smores, and tell ghost stories by the fire. Why not, right? I have a fire table for a reason. I’ve only used it once this summer, so I’m due. It’ll be a nice memory to create with Emerson too. He loves having bonfires at my parent’s house, so having it at ours will be a nice alternative. I’m thinking I’ll do it from 6pm-9pm. It gets darker sooner during that time of year, so the sun should set a little after 7pm. The kids can decorate their pumpkins beforehand. I love fall, so this is exciting for me! I’ve already been scouring Pinterest for every and any idea under the sun! If the bonfire goes well, then I’ll probably have a small Christmas party for the kids too. Nothing crazy. Maybe they can come over to watch a Christmas movie and have some snacks. I live for this stuff.
Reflection time:
I was thinking this morning about my life and how drastically things have changed. I was reminiscing back to last year. I hadn’t even found out the sex of the baby yet. (thank you TimeHop for keeping a timeline for me). It’s so crazy to think where I was last year in relation to where I am right now. I really wish I hadn’t worried about so many unnecessary things while I was pregnant. I have always been a planner and a person that thinks in fast forward. I do it now, which I’m constantly reminding myself to stay in the present and enjoy the moment. It’s VERY hard for me to practice this, but I keep it tucked in the back of my mind all of the time. Anyway, back to last year. August 2013. I was about 18 weeks pregnant, days away from finding out the sex of the baby, and still dating Emerson’s father. Let’s recap this for old time’s sake:
It’s funny because he wasn’t even around for the ultrasound. He was in Vegas. I remember being so ticked about this. I don’t think I ever really saw the full importance of him going to Vegas even though it was for business reasons. He wasn’t directly involved in his family’s business at that time except from a marketing perspective. I didn’t think that warranted him to miss the gender reveal and ultrasound, but alas, he went regardless of my opinion. He was a jerk while he was there too. I would go to bed at 9pm every night. This meant it was 6pm Vegas time. It was so hard for him to dedicate a couple of minutes every day just to call me before I went to bed. I mean, who wouldn’t love this? While you’re out in Vegas having the time of your life, your pregnant girlfriend is back at home SLEEPING, not worrying about what you’re doing. Instead of being a normal human being, calling before dinner, and checking in on me, he’d constantly flake and then come up with some excuse. I could tell they were full of half-truths too, which really ticked me off even further. I wish I had let this big, red flag be a huge turning point for me, but it wasn’t. Not only was he absent for the ultra sound which determined our baby’s gender, he was a complete asshole to me too. I still felt bad that he missed the ultrasound, so I tried to make it as special as possible for him. I framed one of the sonogram pictures for him and I even bought a pair of baby pajamas that were embroidered with “daddy’s buddy” as a gift for him when he returned home from Vegas. He came home the night of the sonogram. It sucked too because while he was on a flight coming home, I had to wait to tell people “It’s a boy!”. I thought it would be rude to share with friends and family via facebook before he knew. Again, why was I so sensitive to this asshole? He wasn’t even there with me during one of the biggest moments that happen during pregnancy, yet I was sure to try to make it as special as possible for him! Do we all see where things were not right in this situation?
The morning of the ultrasound, I was so nervous. I put on a coral dress, straightened my newly cut/highlighted hair (I got bangs!), which I treated myself too that week. I wanted to fill my week up to mask the emptiness of Emerson’s father’s absence, so I had things scheduled to distract myself. Anyway, I remember gluing together a red/green sheet of paper and drawing a big question mark down the center. My sister took an adorable picture of myself holding this up to tease friends and family before the big reveal. Because I knew the baby shower and baby essentials would be costly, I skipped out on a gender reveal party to save money. Instead, I just posted teasing photos and cute catch phrases (beau or bow) leading up to the ultrasound, which I posted to my Facebook wall. Everyone was buzzing that day. I received so many text messages telling me to “tell me the second you find out!” It was super exciting, but it still felt like something was missing. I guess I couldn’t understand why this wasn’t important enough for Emerson’s dad to want to attend. He was just one of those selfish people who only thought of himself. Another red flag. Anyway, I was called back first. The techs wouldn’t allow my mom and sisters to head back until they were able to do their work and check the baby thoroughly. I was in so much pain from having to pee! It was AWFUL! Still, they pushed my belly looking to make sure the baby was healthy. I asked what the sex was. I wanted to have a moment where it was just me who knew the sex. The tech asked me several times if I was sure I wanted to know. “Of course!” I just wanted her to tell me. I was dying inside. She said “It’s a boy!” and I almost cried. I was so excited. I thought I wanted a girl so badly until I heard it was a boy. After a few more minutes, they let my family in. Everyone was pestering me asking if I knew the sex. I was tight lipped. Finally, the techs let the cat out of the bag. Everyone was so excited. I bit back tears. On the way out, I was swarmed my nurses telling me how beautiful I looked. That really lifted my spirits. I still couldn’t believe I was having a boy.
We all headed to breakfast and discussed names. I always had Emerson on the list, but we had all started to really like the name Weston. West for short. I had to discuss with Emerson’s father first, but I always thought it would be my decision anyway. Hours passed and I waited and waited for his flight to land. Finally, it landed and I was able to text him the news. TEXT….How very sad is that? Not even a phone call. He was just one of those people. He didn’t care and he made it feel like I was bothering him with the news. It really bothered me, but I conveyed the gender via text and we made plans to hang out that night. When I went over to his house, he was doting on me. It was very strange. I had no idea why he was caring for me like…well like he should have been from the beginning. Maybe he felt bad that he missed the ultrasound, or perhaps his family was in his ear. Either way, it was REALLY nice for a change. The next day, we told his son together that he was going to be a big brother to a little brother. His son was quite disinterested. He didn’t care and gave us a snotty attitude. Typical attitude of a then 9 year old boy. I wasn’t surprised and I’m sure it was confusing for him to hear this. I didn’t expect him to comprehend that we were having a baby and that he’d be a brother. I knew it would take some time to sink in. That was the last time I saw his son. I was told later from his son’s mother that he was asking a lot of questions about the baby, but his dad refused to acknowledge them. I guess he was pretending to his son like a baby didn’t exist. I, of course, found this to be rather disturbing. Who messes with their child’s head like that?
Shortly after we found out the sex of the baby, (a month to be exact) he broke up with me. I can say this was a real defining moment in my pregnancy and probably my life. It’s sad it didn’t happen sooner and by my own doing. I would have suffered a lot less and had a much more pleasant pregnancy. I’m glad I was able to salvage the last few months though. It’s so crazy thinking back to things that happened. Missing a sonogram and being an asshole should have been such warning flags for me. I guess I just didn’t want to be another statistic so I fought hard to put the pieces back together. In reality, those pieces should have never been together at all. If I could go back in time, I would still choose to date this disgusting human being and I would still have sex with such a heinous creature. Out of all of his ugliness, I have the most beautiful little boy. I am so very blessed and so glad that there was something good that came out of a very bad situation.
I’m glad that I’ve been able to move on and really put it all behind me. I have the best gift of all and that’s Emerson. He is so worth any bad thing that could ever happen and I’d do it over 100 times if it meant that I’d get him as an end result. I feel so appreciative to be given the title “mom” I take it very seriously and it’s something that I definitely think has to be earned. I fully feel deserving to be Emerson’s mother. I’m not sure why things happen, but I do believe they happen for a reason. I was faced with a disgusting human being and placed in his presence, so that I could receive such a huge gift. My life has been so much better ever since and I couldn’t be more appreciative. Sorry that I had to take us all back to such a dark time, but my point is all bad is counteracted with something good. Emerson’s father being the bad, but Emerson being the good. What a lucky gal I turned out to be
Alright, I must end this now. I hope everyone has a super amazing Wednesday. Remember, with every bad comes a bit of good, so don’t lose hope!
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