Maybe I just need to accept that this is the way things are. Some people just do not fit the typical cookie cutter grandmother like I think they should. My mom’s mom was never very grandmotherly with us. She did babysit for my parents here and there, but she was never the one to send birthday cards, or get us Christmas presents. She’d come visit on occasion, but she wasn’t your typical cookie cutter grandmother. My dad’s mom was. She remembered all of our birthdays. She was very sweet. Both were amazing ladies in their own right and my sisters and I loved both dearly though. Both have now passed, which saddens me because I don’t have any grandparents now. I think that’s why I am so bothered by my mom letting the opportunity slip past her. It bothers me that she doesn’t ask to do fun things with the baby. I don’t even mean alone either. I mean with me. She never suggests us taking him anywhere. She could have come to the animal farm with us on Friday. She wanted us out of the house. I felt very rushed. She kept saying “It’s a gorgeous day. Go. Go out. Heck, you can even take my car, but you should really get out” Then, she went on to stress that she just wanted to sit at her computer and play her computer game. I know she just wanted us to leave her house. It saddens and sickens me. She is letting her entire life just pass her by.
On the flipside, she will complain that she’s bored and never gets to do anything. My sister and I are always doing something. She is always welcomed to tag along with us, or even suggest things to do with us and the kids. It’s like she has a huge lack of motivation. The idea sounds great in her head, but she has no execution to follow through to make them happen. She’s constantly making false promises to my nephew too. “We’ll have a grandma/Isaiah day”, which never happens. In her mind, she thinks they do all the time, but they don’t. I can’t recall the last time my mom did anything with my nephew outside of the house. The last time she saw Emerson outside of her house was on his half birthday party, which was almost 3 months ago.
A friend suggested that maybe she’s depressed, or something. I don’t think that’s the case. I think its laziness. My dad does pretty much everything for her too, so she doesn’t even have to do daily things for herself. He even puts gas in her car for her. It’s ridiculous. I love my dad to death, but I think he coddled and spoiled her too much and this is the result of years of that. The sad thing is she thinks she’s so entitled to that from all of us because he treats her that way. She told me before that if my dad passed I’d have to take care of her. Just so everyone knows, my mother is ONLY 50 years old. She is plenty capable of taking care of herself. She is just too lazy to do it.
My mom is a really intelligent and funny lady too. When she gets going, she can make you laugh with the things she comes up with. She is clever and witty. I love that about her. She has great ideas, is crafty, and a great friend when you need someone to talk to. She can be very empathetic, sympathetic, and caring. I wish she was that way ALL of the time though. It doesn’t always come out. Most of the time, she puts herself first, so all of those wonderful characteristics are put on the back burner. Here is an example. I recently blogged about my aunt being very sick and potentially not making it. My mom went into triage mode. She was there for her and for her sister’s kids. Everyone loves my mom and loves when she comes to the rescue. My aunt pulled through and is okay now. My mother has not visited her or even talked to her at all. See what I mean? It counts when someone is there for you when things are good, not just when they are bad. She won’t bother with my aunt again until she’s near her death bed. Then, she’ll make a smart remark like this “Well, she hasn’t called me, so I haven’t talked to her” I hate that. She is very capable of picking up a telephone. She puts it on the other person, then when they do finally call, she won’t answer. Instead, she’ll say this “Well, it took her forever to call me, so now I’m not answering because I wasn’t important enough to call sooner” Hello! You didn’t call either!
Let’s not forget that she isn’t speaking to 3 of her sisters and the other one is dying too, yet she gets on myself and my sisters for the way our relationship is. At least the three of us are civil when we are in the same room and we do put forth enough effort to communicate with each other. She doesn’t speak to her sisters AT ALL, yet that’s acceptable. I can’t stand it. Do not judge me and tell me what to do when what you’re doing is way worse. I know that things will never change and they’ll forever be this way. It just kills me that she gives herself the mother and grandmother of the year award when she hasn’t earned either. I visit my parents every Saturday and Sunday, plus I make sure I text my mom at least daily. If not daily, then every other day. She never calls, or texts me, but the second I slack off, I am being called out. I get that you raised me, but at what point are we even and I’m done owing you? At what point can you extend an invitation to really bond with your grandson without my supervision? At what point will you take the opportunity to drop by our house just to say hi?
That is another issue. I got hell for moving so far away before. I moved back and she still doesn’t come to visit, so what the hell was the point? I have such a long commute to work. It makes no sense. I move back to the area thinking maybe she’ll put forth the effort, but she never does anyway. You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. The sad thing is I will continue to try. I will continue to forge a relationship because I love my mom and I know that’s the right thing to do. This will just further enable her behavior though. I can’t even talk to her about the way I feel because she is the type of person that will burst out in hysterics, make you feel guilty for those feelings, and turn the tables around on you. It isn’t worth all of the drama. Trust me, I’ve tried a few times.
I still go back to the day I gave birth. I was exhausted and starving after having the baby. She was too. I guess watching someone give birth is equally as exhausting. She was so rude to me. She held the baby for a second, then threw a fit that she wanted to just leave, so that she could go home to sleep and eat. Okay?? She made me feel like shit. Before I even was in the hospital, she made it clear that she wouldn’t be staying with me and that my sister would be a better choice. My mom had vacation days to use too, but instead, blew them to sit at home for two weeks without lifting a finger to help me with the baby. My sister was written up for having to call off work last minute to stay in the hospital with me. How messed up with that?! If you explain this to my mother though, she’ll say you’re wrong and that isn’t what happened. Trust me, that’s exactly what happened and it made my sister and I both really upset. Who behaves that way when their daughter is having a baby? Not a normal person that’s for sure.
I guess I am just at a crossroads. My older sister is completely isolated from our family. She barely bothers with us at all. I’ve asked her at least 7 times over the course of the last month to get together with me, so that she can see the baby. She constantly tells me that she is busy with her friends. She prioritizes her life differently now. Her friends are her family and are more important to her. You get to choose your friends. You don’t choose your family. Maybe she just feels as though this is easier for her. Maybe she was tired of the way things were and she has the right idea???? It’s harder for me to pull back like that though. I love my family so much even though they piss me off at times. I really do value them, which is why I try so hard. I grew up with such a big family. I want Emerson to feel that kind of closeness too, but at this point, I’m not sure the effort is even worth it. It stresses me out and just brings me down. Perhaps I should take my sister’s approach and start to replace family time with close friends that are like family. I want to be around people who are actually engaged in the moment and happy to spend time with us…..
No comments:
Post a Comment