Mummy is venting just a smidge! (sorry guys!)

Yay! My ottoman was delivered, so I can pick it up from the store tonight. The curtain, couch, and picture frames are all in transit. Hopefully I get those soon! I’m so excited to pick up the ottoman though! I’m not sure if I’ll set it out yet. It’ll bother me to have the living room not match until I get everything else. We haven’t even used the living room lately, so I guess it doesn’t really matter. We’ve been playing in the dining/play room a lot. It’s just easier with how mobile Emerson is. He gets hurt so much though! It’s ridiculous. I know it’s bound to happen, but it’s insane how it still happens when I’m sitting right there. I can’t wait for him to be stable and steady. I feel like I’m always spotting him to avoid an injury.

Speaking of Emerson, he turned 8 months old yesterday! Thinking that I was pregnant a year ago is mind boggling! Things were so different last year. Emerson’s father had just broken up with me and I was going through a very tough time. Luckily, all of that has been put behind me and I can truly say I am VERY happy. I’m glad things happened the way they did last year. I was telling my sister how miserable I’d be right now had we stayed together. I’d definitely feel trapped too if we had moved in together. Maybe he sensed this too. I’m glad he did both of us a favor!

I was thinking of all of the things Emerson has learned in his short 8 month life span. He can self-feed, crawl, pull himself up onto just about anything, wave and say bye bye, say mum mum, and bad bad, which he repeats often to Kodie! He has four teeth (2 top and 2 bottom). So much growth in such a short amount of time. Thinking of what the next 8 months will bring is fun, but a bit scary. Walking, talking, sippy cups, and less nursing. (that one makes me most sad).He is such an adorable little boy though. I love him so much!

Funny story. I have an ex-boyfriend who randomly texts me every month, or so. We always end up having the same conversation. It’s never different, which is sort of annoying, but funny too. He’s not a bad guy at all. We dated October 2009-July 2010, so not terribly long. We had a good time together, but he wasn’t really into commitments. To be honest, I still think he’s a bit of a commitment-phobe. Anyway, every conversation always leads back to him asking me if I have good memories of him and asking for reassurance that he wasn’t such a terrible boyfriend. It’s silly. I’m not sure why he needs so much validation from me. What does my opinion really matter at this point anyway? I think I might have been one of his only serious girlfriends though, so maybe that’s why. I always say “I don’t have any ill feelings towards you” It’s true though. I don’t. We did go to dinner a couple of years ago right around the time I met Emerson’s dad. Sparks didn’t really fly though. It was just a normal dinner. He hung out for a bit at my apartment beforehand, but that was really it. We didn’t make plans to get together after that. I’m not sure what he really wants, but he always drives in that he’s a different person, “new and improved”. He always asks about my love life too, which I always say is non-existent. Maybe this is his roundabout way of circling back to see if there might still be something there. In any event, I’m not interested in dating. Priorities people!

To piggyback on dating: A friend of mine texted me the other day and laid it all out on the line. He really opened up and told me how he felt about me. It was a bit awkward because I’m in no position right now to reciprocate. I’m so preoccupied with the baby, my house, work, my dog, and trying to juggle everything. My life is a beautiful organized chaotic mess (if that makes sense). I just don’t have time to add in another element like dating. I don’t want to either. He told me that I shouldn’t let one guy (Emerson’s dad) ruin dating and relationships for me for the rest of my life. I laughed. This has NOTHING to do with my past at all. It’s all about priorities! I don’t understand why no one understands this. I work all week and only see Emerson for a small period of time Monday-Friday. We get to spend every evening together between 5pm-8pm, then it’s bedtime. During that period, it’s mostly business. Dinner, bath, sterilizing bottles, etc, etc. We have a small window of playtime. Why would I want to compromise any of that time for another person who I may, or may not even like? Weekends are MY time with Emerson. I wouldn’t trade that in for any person right now. As time progresses and Emerson grows, I’m sure I’ll have more time and I’ll be able to fit that into my life, but right now, I don’t want to. It has absolutely nothing to do with being a bitter/scorned person either. I just want to spend time with my son. I can’t stand when people try to push themselves on me. This makes anyone become less attractive. When I am ready, I’ll venture out. I’m just not ready yet.

My friend didn’t seem to understand initially and told me that it’s just for a few hours. Just a dinner and he wouldn’t try to make any moves on me. He stressed that I need to do things for myself at times too. Hello!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do things for myself. I work from home two days a week, which means I usually have a 4 hour period during the week (3-5pm x 2 days) to do what I want to do. Yes, this usually includes grocery shopping, putting away laundry, and cleaning, but those are for me. It’s the way that I like to unwind. I think and brainstorm, preplan for the week, and I actually leisurely do my housework instead of feeling so rushed. It might not be a steak dinner, or a bottle of wine, but it’s what I like. Additionally, I’m on the bus for a total of 6 hours a week. That’s A LOT of time. During this time, I pinterest, read books, listen to music, and NAP! Again, all MY time and what I enjoy. It doesn’t matter how you spend your time, or what you do. As long as it’s solely for you and what you enjoy, then that’s all that matters. I don’t need to go out for dinner and drinks to treat myself, or to relax. I do that in other ways.

It just bothers me that I find myself having this conversation frequently. No one can tell you what to do to relax. It’s your personal preference. “Those don’t count” Yes, yes they do count. They count to me and that’s all that really matters. It wouldn’t bug me so much if I didn’t find myself having this same conversation several times a week either. I think my friend is a really sweet person, but I just am not interested in dating, nor am I interested in going out to dinner, or doing anything that doesn’t directly involve my son during my spare time. On the flip side, I do not want to bring Emerson around anyone either. Lots of people invite me out all of the time. They tell me to bring Emerson. No. That’s not right. I don’t believe in exposing your children to different men again and again until you finally get it right. You expose them after you’re sure about the person, not beforehand. The craziest is these people think I am nuts for thinking this way instead of commending me for being a good mom and putting my son first. Red flag as to why I wouldn’t want to date people like that!

Last night, I put up a compare photo of myself from 8 days post-partum through now. I sort of regret doing that now. Some comments weren’t very nice. I know my friends weren’t trying to be mean, but hearing “I like the second picture better” or “You look hungry now” kind of hurt my feelings. I wasn’t asking what step in the process looked best. I was just simply showing a timeline of my post-partum weight loss journey from then until now. I’m not sure what outcome I expected when I posted the pictures, but I definitely wasn’t prepared for some of the comments I received. It was almost as bad as being told “you’re fat” Sometimes being too skinny isn’t necessarily a good thing either. I learned that yesterday. I don’t think I’ll be posting anything like that anytime soon. My friend told me last week that I look “like an Aid’s patient” Hey, thanks! Alright, that’s about all I have for now. Back to the grind. Happy Tuesday, All!